Sebastian Goes Online Shopping: REAL LIVE CHAT CONVERSATIONS Enjoy
by sailormoon125
Summary: Sebastian Michaelis talks to sales reps from Victoria's Secret, Calvin Klein, Spencers, etc to purchase the usual items..butterknives, suits, cat keychains, gloves, more cat items...corsets, cat ears for the young master...and other...questionable items. Lots of innuendos. (fyi, this are REAL online chat conversations that happened when I masqueraded as Sebastian as a prank...)
1. His Butler, At Spencers

Sebastian goes online shopping on Calvin Klein, Victoria Secret (for corsets) Spencers for toys...and a slew of others..These are all _actual_ recorded convos with sales reps..Hope you find it entertaining. (Riddled with plenty of innuendos and some yaoi...) comments/ideas on what you'd like to see next are much obliged.

* * *

 _His Butler, At Spencers_

Call accepted by a guest services department. Currently in room: Tim.

 **Tim:**  
Hey Sebastian. Welcome to Spencers! What sort of item are you looking for?

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
Hello there, I am looking for some toys...

For a 13 yr boy…and I am having trouble with my selection.

You see, my young master's birthday is coming up and as his butler, I'd like to get him something…special

 **Tim:**  
What sort of interests does he enjoy? We have a large selection of items from television shows.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
(- _chuckles-)_ The young master I serve has quite a lot of... _varied interests_ shall we say. He likes dogs...a bit of a heavy tea drinker...he enjoys chess, darts, and high handedly giving _orders_ …

Oh…and he enjoys anything sweet and creamy.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
As for his favorite television show, I believe it is something called ' _Black Butler'_

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
Not sure if you are familiar with that

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
Also, he has an extensive collection of eye patches so if you carried that, that'd be marvelous.

 **Tim:**  
If he likes tea, we do have a large number of mugs that you could look at .

 **Tim:**  
The eye patches are here: . ?keyword=eye%20patches&thumbnailIndex=1

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
So you _do_ carry the eyepatches. Well, well, I must say, I am rather impressed. I'm taking a look at the some of the mugs right now. I think the **'Thug Life'** one would fit him nicely. Also the mug that says, **'A Giant Cup of Shut the **** Up'** would do well. The young master gives me endless orders and that's usually what goes through my mind.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
My only concern is that these might be a bit too direct…

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
Might you have any tea mugs that are more…subtle?

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
Anything sarcastic with double meaning or innuendo would be much preferable.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
That's usually how I speak with my young master on a daily basis so I'd like to make sure my gift to him stays consistent…

 **Tim:**  
One moment

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
Please take your time, Tim.

 **Tim:**  
. ?currentIndex=96 if you are looking for mugs with subtle insults some of the ones on this page have them

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
Oh, my. I cannot help humoring myself at some of these delightful inscriptions on your tea mugs:

 **'I'm the freakin QUEEN'**

 **' Nobody knows I'm gay',**

 **'I AM THE ****** BOSS'**

 **'I'm surrounded by idiots** ' (- might purchase this one for myself...)

All of these suit the young master quite well. Thank you.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
Do you also carry corsets by any chance? Something that could fit a 13 yr old boy?

 **Sebastian Michaelis:**  
Or anything that is tight fitting with lace…perhaps with some cat ears to match?

 **Tim:**  
Due to the nature of the chat I am going have to end the session, feel free to continue browsing the site.

(*cuts chat and leaves*)

.

..

...

Well, Sebastian will try another store for the corsets but first he must find a replacement black suit for the young master has stained his with cream. Hence, the next chapter is Sebastian inquiring Calvin Klein about suits...and black stilleto heels. Devilish good fun ahead.

Review and fav if you'd like to see more.. ;)

***IMPORTANT NOTE: Due to the content guidelines on this site, I have been notified that I am no longer allowed to post anything in a chat format and everything must be strictly dialogue based (else probably face deletion) . I had no idea about this so it has put uploading the other stories in this series on hold. I will either have to do two things. 1) Either rework this entire series as strictly a dialogue between the characters (which kind of ruins the whole point of this). Or 2) Seek another fanfiction site that is more liberal with their rules and accepts this type of format. I'm leaning on option 2 right now, maybe wattpad, archives, or any fanfiction site that is more writer-friendly and then transfer this whole series on there bit by bit. Just thought you guys should now, and of course, I'll let put the link of for that on here once it's done so that you can still enjoy the many live chat conversations of Sebastian (-and- Ciel ) ;)


	2. His Butler, At Calvin Klein

Sebastian goes online shopping on Calvin Klein, Victoria Secret (for corsets) , Nordstrom, Spencers, Modcloth, and a bunch of others..Here's the actual recorded convo of them..hope you find it entertaining. (Excuse the innuendos) comments/ideas on what you'd like to see next are welcomed!

* * *

System: Thank you for contacting Calvin Klein. Please wait while we connect you with a customer service representative.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Initial Question/Comment: Inquiry regarding a black suit

System: Nicholas D. has joined this session!

System: Connected with Nicholas D.. Your reference number for this chat session is 1902408.

 **Nicholas D.** : Hello Sebastian, my name is Nick. I understand that you have a question about a suit, and I would be happy to look into this for you today.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Hello, Nicholas. Yes I do in fact. I'm looking for a black suit coat with tie to match (The standard butler uniform, if you will)

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** The young master I serve is a notoriously messy eater and he has stained my uniform with...cream yet again so I was looking for an immediate replacement until the butler uniform I ordered arrives.

 **Nicholas D.:** Do you know what kind of fit you would like for the suit jacket?

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Yes, I'm looking for a classic fit. Also, do your suits ships rather quickly?

 **Nicholas D.:** All of our orders would take 1-2 business days to process before they ship from our warehouse. Then it would depend on the shipping speed chosen at checkout. Our fastest speed, which is available for an additional fee, would be 1-2 business days after the shipping date.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Excellent. I just hope the suit can withstand my young master's volatile nature til then.

 **Sebastian Michaelis** : Also, is the fabric stain proof? I'm looking for a sturdy fabric that can take withstand…a lot of things..

 **Nicholas D.** : It would be 100% wool, and it would need to be dry cleaned, but I do not believe that it would be stain proof. I am very sorry for the inconvenience that this may cause you.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** No matter. I had another inquiry regarding the suits.  
Do you have any that contain front pockets? Preferably ones large enough to hold a pocket watch and a dozen or so, butterknives stashed inside?

 **Nicholas D.:** It is a little bit hard to see on that item that I showed you, but it does have a left breast pocket. Regrettably, I do not have access to the dimensions of that pocket. It could certainly handle a pocket watch, but a dozen butter knives may be pushing it.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Ah, I see. I'm sure I can find a way to manage. Perhaps a tailor could instill the large pockets for the butterknives for me.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Also, is there any sort on guarantee on the suit? You know, if say something were to go…awry with it…

 **Nicholas D.:** I am sorry to say that we wouldn't have a warranty on our items, but if the item arrives damaged or if there are any issues you can certainly give us a call to have us check our options.

 **Sebastian Michaelis** : I see. So hypothetically speaking, if the suit was received in brand new condition but for some reason was soiled within a few weeks, I couldn't replace it.

 **Nicholas D.** : That would be correct. You would need to get it either dry cleaned or replaced with a new purchase.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Oh, I see. I just hope the young master I serve will resist the urge to stain this one. He's an unruly 13 yr old br-, I mean , child so I can only hope this one will stay in tact.

 **Nicholas D.** : I sincerely hope that you are able to enjoy your suit jacket for many years to come, Sebastian.

 **Sebastian Michaelis** : Thank you for your kind words, Nicholas. It has been an absolutely pleasure in talking to you. The master I serve can be quite a handful…

 **Sebastian Michaelis** : You simply do not know the burdens I go through at the hands of my young master. Each and every day, it's "Sebastian, fetch me my Earl Grey", "Sebastian, prepare a bath", "Sebastian, make me a scone", "Sebastian, put on my pants."

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** (Yes, a bit pitiful he cannot put on his own pants) and don't even get me started on the 'orders' he gives me. Sighs. It's tough being a butler. Thank you for helping me with my shopping, Nicholas. You have been most obliging. Do you have any advice for me about the young master?

 **Nicholas D.:** You are very welcome, Sebastian. Thank you for chatting with us here at Calvin Klein. I would not have any advice for that, but I certainly do wish good luck with your job.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Thank you, Nicholas. The young master summons me right now. I have to go bathe him. *Sighs*

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Good luck with your job as well. I think you're doing an exemplary job.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Oh just a quick question...

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** By any chance, do you carry….black knee high boots with stiletto heels?

 **Nicholas D.:** Yes, and you can see our collection of boots, many of which have heels, at the following link: shop/SearchDisplay?storeId=10751 &catalogId=12101&langId=-1&sType=SimpleSearch&searchType=2&searchTerm=boots

 _(Whaaat?! Didn't think they actually carried the exact copy of Sebastian's high heeled boots here..XD)_

 **Sebastian Michaelis** : Simply excellent. Do these come in men's sizes?

 **Nicholas D.** _:_ Regrettably, they would not.

 **Nicholas D**.: But the size charts have a conversion table for you to measure your foot.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Oh, that is a bit of a pity. I really am in need of a high heeled boots. My old ones are a bit besmirched…

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** I see here in your directory, you have the Clancy high heel boot.

Could this fit a tall 6' ft male?

 **Nicholas D.:** You would order according to the length of your foot, and you can see in the size chart the size that you should pick. It would depend upon how long your foot was.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Oh, the length of mine is quite long… a little over a foot.

 **Sebastian Michaelis** : I think it could fit into the Tranc-..I mean, Clancy boots though it might be a tight squeeze due its...size.

 **Nicholas D.:** Our largest size would be 11.5, which would be for a 10.7" foot. That would be too large to fit in our women's boots, and none of our men's boots would have high heels.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Ah, I see. Well, Calvin Klein should get on that. There are quite a lot of demon butlers out there who are in need of high heeled stilleto boots.

 **Nicholas D.:** I will certainly mention that to my superiors. Is there anything else I can assist you with today, Sebastian?

 **Sebastian Michaelis** : No, that's all. It has been an absolute pleasure speaking with you Nicholas. Who knew Calvin Klein could have everything a demon butler could need? An assortment of suit coats…black ties…knee high black stilleto boots. You've made a demon butler very happy. I definitely will be recommending your services to others.

 **Nicholas D.** : Thank you, and have a great rest of your day.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Oh, I will, for you see, I'm simply on hell of a butler ;)

(Nicholas has ended the chat) _*immediately leaves*_

 _._

 _.._

 _..._

The next part in our prank series is Sebastian going to Victoria's Secret for a... _corset._


	3. His Butler, At Victoria's Secret

His Butler, Shops At Victoria Secret

* * *

 _Sebastian still hasn't found the corset so...he tries Victoria's Secret next. Again, this is a real life recorded convo with an actual sales rep, but mind you, it's a bit...short ;)_

* * *

 **Kimberly** : Thank you for choosing Victoria's Secret! Kimberly has seen your question and will be with you shortly.

 **Kimberly** : Hi, Sebastian! How can I help you?

 **Sebastian:** Greetings, Kimberly. I'm in search for a corset for a friend and wanted to inquire if you carried them at Victoria's Secret.

 **Kimberly** : We do sell corsets! I would be happy to send you a link to our collection. . /?q=corset&theme=vs

 **Sebastian:** Oh, excellent. These are quite nice… My only concern is that the sizes here may not fit his petite frame.

 **Kimberly** : Most of our corsets are sized by bra size and are also made for petite women.

 **Sebastian:** _(amused...)_ No…I think you misunderstood me. I'm not looking for a woman…

 **Sebastian:** The corset is for a 13 yr old boy.

 **Kimberly** : If there are not further questions, have a great day! _*leaves* .._  
Kimberly This Live Chat session has ended.

 _Sebastian shortly tries another store after this...will he find the corset for his young master? Stay tuned._


	4. His Butler, At Nordstrom

**Michael** : Hi, my name is Michael. How may I help you?  
 **Customer:** Hi Michael. How are you?  
 **Customer::** I'm looking for some shapewear for a friend

Specifically- a corset.

And also some panty shapewear as well.

 **Michael:** Sure I can send a link where you can look at the options that we have online

 **Michael:** Here is the link also to the shapewear that we have in stock.  
 **Michael** shop/search?query=Shapewear. And can I have your name please?

 **Customer** : Why yes, my name is Sebastian.  
These are quite nice… My only concern is that the sizes here may not fit his petite frame.

 **Customer** : Will these fit smaller sizes?

 **Michael** : You will need to refer to the size charts as the sizing is different for each item

 **Customer:** Right, the thing is I'm not quite sure about his size so I'm looking for a corset/panty shapewear roughly the size of a 13 yr old boy.  
 **Customer:** He's about 5 ft...and a bit on the short side...and quite scrawny.  
 **Customer** : Do you have anything that could fit more to his fit?

 **Michael** : I am going to disconnect the chat at the moment and will send this over to the supervisor.

 _(Me: O_o Supervisor?)_

 **Customer** : Wait! Haha, this isn't for real! It's for a-  
 **Michael** has disconnected

*cuts chat*

.

..

...

I feel like I traumatized the poor guy..lmao..I -was- going to tell him it was part of a prank series, but he left faster than you could say...corset. Will Sebastian ever find his corset for the young master?... (the answer is yes, btw and it was quite an interesting convo. ;) Will be uploading it shortly..)


	5. His Butler, At eStarland

Sebastian speaks to a live chat person at eStarland, a video game store, regarding the SIMS, creating matching cat outfits for himself and the bocchan, and also receives invaluable counseling on dealing with the young master.

His Butler, At eStarland

* * *

 **Albert Spangler** : Hello Sebastian Michaelis. Thank you for contacting eStarland. How may I help you?

 **Sebastian Michaelis** :Greetings, Albert. How are you?

 **Albert Spangler:** I'm well, thank you for asking. How may I help you?

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Well, you see I am looking for toys/video games that a 13 yr boy will like and am having trouble with my selection. I am a butler and my young master's birthday is coming ups so I'd like to get him something to his liking.

 **Albert Spangler:** What kinds of interests does he have?

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Well, the young master is fond of darts, chess, the canine persuasion, Earl Grey tea, and playing people as pawns.

Oh and he loves parfaits.

 **Albert Spangler:** And for video games, which console were you thinking of for the platform?

Sebastian Michaelis: Perhaps a Wii will do.

 **Albert Spangler:** There are certainly many games that might be suitable for the Wii. He might enjoy any of the Sims games. They're kind of a life simulator, where you tell your characters what to do.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Just a moment. Did you say the characters will do _anything_ I tell them?

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** So hypothetically speaking, if I were to say, make a two Sim characters like a young man and a child, could I put them in matching cat outfits using this product?

 **Albert Spangler:** It will depend on what appearance options are available in the different games.

 **Sebastian Michaelis** (smirks) : Ah, I see, of course. That sounds quite intriguing. And would I be able to control the character's _every action_? (again, this is all hypothetical)

And make them engage in... _any_ sort of activities? (Again, just theoretical)

 **Albert Spangler:** I'm sorry, I haven't played much of the game, but you would be able to control some actions by changing the personality of the characters.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Ah, I see. So if I were to say, create a tall dashing demon butler and a bratty 13 yr old child, could the butler order the child around in this Sims world?

 **Albert Spangler:** I'm sorry, like I said, I've had limited experience with this particular game. I can only suggest it by what I know if the game play. For more details you will have to look into specified reviews.

 **Sebastian Michaelis** Okay, I will do that, thank you. You have been most helpful, Albert. By the way, could I ask you an unrelated question if you don't mind?

 **Albert Spangler** : Sure, go ahead

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** You see, the young master I serve can be quite a handful…so it's nice for someone to listen to me. You simply do not know the burdens I face at the hands of my lord. Each and every day, it's "Sebastian, I want tea," "Sebastian, I order you to clean this cream out of my trousers," "Sebastian, this cake tastes atrocious" (he then proceeds to throw it in my face...), "Sebastian, I want a parfait", "Sebastian, put on my eye-patch...and then my pants."

(Yes, a bit of a pity he cannot put on his own pants or _his own undergarments for that matter_ ). The butler's life can be quite tiresome.

 **Albert Spangler:** Hopefully you will be able to find the perfect gift for him. I'm a parent, so I'm sure I can relate a bit.

 **Sebastian Michaelis** : Do you think you could give me any sort of advice how to deal with my young master's volatile nature?

 **Albert Spangler** : That would be up to his parent's discretion of how they would like him raised.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** That's quite good advice but...the child has no parents to oversee him. Hence, I take his upbringing into my own hands.

But because of a contract...I have to do whatever his orders me to do-which is quite troublesome. I just do not know what to do in cases like that.

 **Albert Spangler:** Well if you signed a contract that states you must do whatever he orders you to do, it would be legally binding for you to follow through. I'm sorry, I cannot help you in this situation. You may want to talk to a lawyer.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** A lawyer you say? ( _highly amused_ )

I fear that...the law cannot help me in this case. Our contract is...quite different than most. You see, I have to do anything he tells me to do and I get...a repayment at the end of all that. But it's not monetary. (He actually does not pay me)

 **Albert Spangler:** I'm sorry you have issues in your job because of a contract. : (

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Well...I am the one who formed the contract with him. I follow his orders loyally and absolutely and his end of the contract is...

He gives me his soul.

My young master's soul is quite delicious so I take his unruly nature with a grain of salt. It's still difficult at times like when he needs changing and bathing. (Sighs)

It's a faustian contract, you see.

 **Albert Spangler:** I'm sorry, this is not something I can assist you with.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** No matter. Just a quick question about the Sims.

Do you have any other role playing games where I can make the characters do... _anything?_

 **Albert Spangler:** I don't believe there is. Although I don't have the time to play as many role pay games as I used to. I'm sorry I can't be more familiar with the gameplay.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Oh, I apologize for that. That is quite all right. Just another question and I will take my leave.

I haven't had anyone to talk about these for ages. The young master and I have this special..'bond' and because we are forced to well, live together and be very close, which creates a lot of... _tension._ Do you have any advice on that?

 **Albert Spangler** : I'm sorry, this is not something that I can assist you with.

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** I see. Well that is quite all right. I'm sure the SIMS will be a good outlet for taking care of the _tension_ I must endure on account of the young master. It was nice speaking with you anyway. You're doing an exemplary job.

 **Albert Spangler:** Please contact us again if you have any further concerns. Thank you for contacting live support. Have a nice day!

 **Sebastian Michaelis:** Yes, I will. Good luck in your ventures

.

..

...

...Andddd then I told good old Albert that this whole thing was part of a prank series. He seemed really amused by it and was a really good sport about it. In the next one, Sebastian inquires about the corset for his young master...and let's just say he finally finds it...but there's a twist.. ;)


	6. His Butler, At JJHouse

Okay guys, here's another Sebastian prank series chat...This one was a bit... _concerning,_ as the sales rep seemed a little too 'cooperative' to help Sebastian find the corset for his young master. YEAHHH...I leave it at that so you can take a look for yourself.

His Butler, At JJHouse

* * *

 **Owen:** Hello Sebastian. This is Owen. How can I help you?

 **Sebastian:** Hi, Owen. I'm looking for some shapewear for a friend.

Specifically, a corset.

Do you carry those?

 **Owen:** Yes, we do have some. Let me find the link for your reference.

 **Sebastian** : Thank you, Owen.

I'm also looking for some panty shapers, preferably ones that have pictures of cats on them.

 **Owen:** I'm checking for you now.:)

 **Sebastian:** Excellent.

 **Owen:** You can follow this link: .…50i10352/Corsets_p10363i10364/ to have a look , Corsets, Shapewear - JJsHouseShapewear, Corsets, Shapewear

I'm sorry that panties that have pictures of cats on them may be not available.

 **Sebastian** (sighs): I see. That's quite a pity as I was looking to purchase a whole load of them.

Well, I suppose the corsets and shapewear panty will do for now. My only concern is they might not fit my friend's petite frame. You see, he's a bit on the scrawny side...

And very short...(the typical shota build, if you will).

 **Owen:** Sorry for any inconvenience caused. May I know her measurements?

 **Sebastian** (her? -amused again-) No, no…I think you misunderstood me. You see, I'm not looking for a woman…

The corset is for a 13 yr old boy.

 **Owen:** Oh, sorry for the misunderstanding.

 **Sebastian:** That's quite okay...Owen.

 _(Me; oh woww, this sales rep is reallyy goes along with this haha...)_

 **Owen:** Currently we may just have shapewear for female. Sorry for that.

 **Sebastian:** Well, my friend more or less looks like a girl so it should be fine. And could you send me the link for the panty shapers again?

The young master I serve, his favorite color is blue so I'm hoping to get those in that color.

For him.

 **Owen:** Yes, let me send you the link.

 _(Me: .Someone's cooperating a little too well...O_o..)_

 **Sebastian:** Thank you...Owen.

 **Owen:** Here is the link: .…ear-c125/Panties_p10350i10351/

 **Sebastian:** Yes…I think the _'Magic Butt Lift'_ panties will work quite nicely.

Thank you for your suggestions.

 **Owen:** My pleasure.:)

 **Sebastian:** On contraire, the pleasure is all mine, or will be soon atleast.

Do you by any chance happen to carry... cat ears? I think it work well with the rest of this look.

 **Owen** : Let me double check it for you.

 **Sebastian** : Excellent and also do let me know if you carry any of the yaoi merchandise in your inventory (It's for...not me.)

 _(waits...and waits...checks pocket watch...)_

 **Owen:** Thank you for waiting. I failed to find the panties you want and the cat ears.

 **Sebastian:** Oh, dear.

 **Owen:** And we do not carry any yaoi merchandise.

 **Sebastian:** That's quite all right. What about any cat plush?

 **Owen:** I'm afraid not. Sorry for that.

 **Sebastian:** Sighs. I see. Well, atleast you have the corsets and panty shapewear.

The last time I put a corset on my young master, I cannot tell you how difficult it was. He was a dreadfully flustered mess and kept calling for my name over and over again. He kept moaning and whimpering as I tried to ease him in, so much so that the young master said he was nearly about to leak. Of course, I told him he'd grow accustomed to it and to put his hands against the walls so that it might lessen his...discomfort and so that I could do it _properly_ but he hardly cooperated. Sigh. I just simply couldn't get him to relax so I hope this time goes better than the last...

...-with the corset, of course.

 **Owen:** I completely understand you. You may look around in your local store. I think it will be better or you can find a tailor to make it for your young master.:)

 **Sebastian:** A tailor you say? Hmm..I will keep that in mind, though I prefer no one touches the young master except...me. It is so refreshing to speak to someone who understands what I go through as a butler. You see I have to prepare all his meals, change him, bathe him, and attest to his various _other needs_...

Do you think you could give me any sort of advice how to deal with my young master's troublesome nature?

 **Owen:** Do you get high salary for this service?:)

 **Sebastian:** Oh...the young master doesn't pay me with...money.

We formed a contract you see.

-A faustian contract.

 **Owen:** I'm sorry but I have no such experience.

 **Sebastian:** Ah, yes. Well, I wouldn't expect you to. Not many are in the position I'm in.

The child has no parents to oversee him and I take his upbringing into my own hands. But because of a contract...I have to do whatever his orders me to do. At the same time, the young master and I share a...special bond.

I haven't had anyone to talk about these for ages. The young master and have this strange and deep bond of sorts and because we are forced to well, live together and be very close, it creates a lot of...tension. Perhaps you have some suggestions on this...

 **Owen:** Can I talk to you later as I'm a little busy？

 **Sebastian:** Of course, when are you free?

 **Owen:** About half an hour later.

 **Sebastian:** Excellent. I will speak with you then.

Oh and thank you for helping me with the corsets for the young master ;)

 _30 minutes later..._

 **Chris:** Hello Sebastian. This is Chris. How can I help you?

 **Sebastian:** Greetings, is Owen there? He was assisting me previously with purchasing some corset and panty shapewear, and some undergarments with cats on them.

 **Chris:** Please hold on a second, I'm checking for you now.

 **Sebastian:** Very good.

You have been transferred to: Owen.

 **Owen:** Hi again. Sebastian.

 **Sebastian:** Hi again Owen. Nice to see you again. So about the previous thing we were discussing...

As I was saying before, the young master and I have this strange and intense relationship, more than meets the eye, and because of that, we are forced to well, live together and be very close, it creates a lot of...'tension', for lack of a better word. I know he is only a child but he is quite mature beyond his age. And even though we get under each other's skin, we cannot live apart. I know the contract is strictly...'business', but sometimes the lines start to blur...

Not to mention, I still have to dress him every day, help him with his morning bathe, etc... And with all this _tension_ between us, things sometimes get...to a place where they shouldn't go...

Any suggestions on that?

 **Owen:** If I were you, I might not bear his temper. I might cancel the contract with him. Just as a joke..

 **Sebastian:** Hmm..cancel the contract with him? That would be impossible as this is not an ordinary contract. I'm literary bound to his side until I receive my payment from him.

It's rather cumbersome to explain..but this isn't a 'normal' contract

 **Owen:** It seems that you need to make some rules for your young master and you need to hold your stance.

 **Sebastian** : Oh, I quite agree with you on that, Owen. But often the result of that is that I get a pie thrown in my face..or he barks 'woof' in front of my face

 **Owen** : Is there anything you can punish him in the contract?

 **Sebastian:** Oh...well, if he doesn't keep up his repayment when I am finished with my services to him, then there will indeed be some kind of _'punishment'_...

But, of course, that is only if he doesn't give up his end of the deal. But knowing my young master, he will keep his word. I follow his orders until he gets revenge and then I get his soul. So until then, I must deal with this strange complex relationship with the young master. You see, the young master might be troublesome yet he is often flustered in my presence...and I've also found out that I am the thing he values most that is not of this world, which doesn't help matters...I just cannot deny that his _essence_ drives me a bit wild at times...

I just do not know what to do about all this 'tension'.

 **Owen** : I think you need to change your style to serve.

 **Sebastian:** Oh? How so?

 **Owen** : You need to encourage him to behave well.

If he do it well, you can give him a small gift or something else.

 **Sebastian:** Hmmm..yes I see..

Maybe bribe him with some cream?

 **Sebastian** : I mean cake?

 **Owen:** Like if he acts badly, you can lock him in the room for one day,

 **Sebastian:**. Lock him in his room... (-smiles and ponders the idea-)

Oh, I love that idea, Owen. But then again, if I did that, he'd simply order me to let him out. And as per our contract, I cannot defy an order. So I doubt I'd be able to lock the young master (sighs) -wishful thinking-

 **Owen:** Yes, you can.

 **Sebastian:** But if I defy his order then our contract is broken and I cannot receive my payment of his soul.

I sort of need this contract as well.

My master's soul is quite delicious. Nothing else is comparable to it for me. My master is the only soul I desire. But it's more than just getting his soul, you see. It's about getting _him_... _all of him..._

 **Owen** : OK. So you may to need to follow his orders and do what he wants you to do.

 **Sebastian:** Yes...make him the scones, cakes, pastries, his tea, change him, put corsets on him...put on his eye patch every morning...

All of these...irksome orders

 **Owen** : Maybe you can find another servant to help you shoulder the responsibility.

 **Sebastian:** Oh yes, I have three of them working for us. The problem with that, you see, is that the three servants are highly, _highly_ incompetent and incapable of preparing a simple cup of Earl Grey. Honestly, if it wasn't for me I don't know how bocchan would manage...

 **Owen:** You can train the servants to be competent as you.

 **Sebastian** : (-sarcastically laughs-)

Oh, I've tried. _Believe me._ It is easier said than done. One is a hapless clutz who can't walk without tripping over herself, much less pouring a glass of wine, the other burns the kitchen anytime he cooks, the straw hat one has brute strength and breaks everything in sight -that -I- must then clean up

 _They only give me more work honestly. Sighs._

 **Owen:** Then I have no idea how to help you.

 **Sebastian:** Oh, well atleast you tried, Owen. You've given me a handful of suggestion, but I do not think you understand the key issue. My real problem frankly is not about my young master's unruly nature, or about the troubles I endure as a butler.

It's about...these feelings between the young master and I. They can get quite dangerous. And I know that the contract should be kept professional, but...it's becoming harder and harder to do that. Sometimes when he is asleep and I have to wake him in the mornings, I get close to him...and inhale his delicious scent deeply, taking in that intoxicating, succulent scent of my young master...the tantalizing flavor of his soul. Caressing his soft, pale skin with my breath and imagining how good it'd feel to touch...fondling him..straddling him..and _doing an assortment of other things_. And then to wrap around-

 **Owen** (O.o) : *leaves..*

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..

...

...Wellll, it took Owen a while to realize what Sebastian's _real_ issues were...

Fav and review if you liked it! Oh, and let me know if you have any places in mind you'd like Sebastian to chat with...;)

***IMPORTANT NOTE: Due to the content guidelines on this site, I have been notified that I am no longer allowed to post anything in a chat format and everything must be strictly dialogue based (else probably face deletion) . I had no idea about this so it has put uploading the other stories in this series on hold. I will either have to do two things. 1) Either rework this entire series as strictly a dialogue between the characters (which kind of ruins the whole point of this). Or 2) Seek another fanfiction site that is more liberal with their rules and accepts this type of format. I'm leaning on option 2 right now, maybe wattpad, archives, or any fanfiction site that is more writer-friendly and then transfer this whole series on there bit by bit. Just thought you guys should now, and of course, I'll let put the link of for that on here once it's done so that you can still enjoy the many live chat conversations of Sebastian (-and- Ciel ) ;)


	7. His Master, Preparing Tea

His Master, Preparing Earl Grey tea

Alisha connected.

 **Alisha:** Hi Ciel, how can I help you?

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Hello there, I had a complaint regarding a product, specifically the Earl Grey green tea product my butler purchased from your company.

Alisha: Oh no I am sorry to hear that. : (

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : Yes, you see, I made the tea this afternoon from a new box and it tasted dreadful. It didn't taste the usual fine taste that I am accustomed to. Am I doing something wrong with the preparation of it?

 **Alisha:** It is prepared the same way that all other conventional tea would be prepared, we are truly sorry to hear that you are not pleased with it.

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Tch. My butler will be back soon, and he'll completely ridicule me if he finds out I couldn't even prepare a simple cup of tea by 'll have to excuse me, I am a 13 yr child so I'm not used to this sort of thing. Could you just tell me how do I boil the water properly this time?

 **Alisha:** I would need to advise that you wait for an adult for assistance in the kitchen. Unfortunately, I am not able to give guidance to a minor child. I am sorry. Please have an adult contact us when he returns if needed. Thank you.

 **Ciel Phantomhive: Message not sent:** _Child?! A minor..child?!_ I have you know, I'm the Queen's guard dog!

Disconnected by agent

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Ciel Phantomhive will not be dissuaded so easily. He will inquire another tea shoppe on how to properly prepare a cup of tea before Sebastian returns to the manor. Will he succeed? Read on to find out. **IMPORTANT:** Due to guidelines on fanfic, I have moved this Sebastian/Ciel series to ArchiveOfOurOwn. Just click on the link posted on my main profile to continue reading this series from there. Thanks!


	8. His Master, Still Preparing Earl Grey

His Master, Sill Preparing Earl Grey

* * *

 **Chris:** Hello, my name is Chris and I'll be your Happy Wellness Ambassador today! Please allow me one moment to review your question, and I'll be happy to help. :-)

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : Hello Chris. I had a complaint regarding a product, specifically the Earl Grey green tea. You see, I made the tea this afternoon from a new box and it tasted dreadful When my butler prepares it, it tastes quite different. My butler is currently out on errands, and so I tried to prepare it by myself. I filled a cup with water, then I cut the tea pouches up, and put the black flakes into the water. I put the teacup into the oven for a good 30 minutes or so.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : then I took it out and now it tastes repulsive.

 **Chris:** Maybe he adds something to the tea, that you are not adding. I would wait to see what he says. I actually don't drink tea, so I don't know if I am the one to help you actually.

 **Ciel Phantomhove:** Well, could you atleast tell me if I boil water in the oven or stove for the tea?

 **Chris** : Stove.

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Hmm. I see. Thank you. I hope I can prepare it properly this time. So I filled the tea cup with water and placed it on the stove.

Do I put the flame on high?

 **Chris:** Yes, hopefully you can. Put the flame on medium.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : Done. Now what?

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Uh oh..

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Maybe this was a bad idea. I turned it off. It was smoking.

The cup I mean.

 **Chris:** That's not good

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : _Clearly,_ it's not good. My butler will mock me for this dearly when he gets back home.

I can't let him know. I'll have to hide the evidence.

 **Ciel Phantomhive: P** erhaps your suggestion of putting the fine china directly on the stove wasn't such a good idea…

 **Chris:** No not at all

 **Ciel Phantomhive: T** hen...I'll just have to improvise.

But how on earth do I heat up the tea if I can't use tea cups? Shouldn't the tea cup be designed for tea making purposes, hence the name- _tea c_ ups. Honestly, there should be some sort of instructions or note about this on the Earl Grey box I purchased.

 **Chris:** I am not sure Ciel, you should probably just wait. Your butler will probably be furious and then tell your parents

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** My...parents...they don't live with me.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : Could you just let me know what sort of utensil I need to use to heat it up?

 **Chris:** I mean if you got to use something, I would just go with the teaware

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** But why on earth must putting fine china directly on a stove cause it to smoke and the paint on the cup to peel? I think I need to complain to the makers of the Royal Doulton fine china that their products are dangerous to children and don't serve its purpose.

 **Chris:** Don't you have a teapot?

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** A _teapot_? Wait…yes, yes I think I do! I see my butler use it all the time. Sebastian takes the teapot and pours the cup of tea in it every morning.

 **Chris:** There you go!

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** This is good, very good…

Okay, I got the teapot, I cut the teabags up with a pair of scissors and put the flakes into it.

Now I filled it to its brim with tap water. Putting it on the stove now...

 **Chris:** Sebastian's last name is Michaelis, right?

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Correct. I see you are quite familiar with my butler afterall. That's what he goes by as long as he's employed in my service, though I do not know his prior name. Sebastian was the name of my previous dog so I named him that -after the dog.

 **Chris:** You are the heir to the Funtom Company?

 **Ciel Phantomhive** (-smiles-) Yes, yes I am. So you've heard about me. I must say I'm impressed by your knowledge of me, Chris.

 **Chris** : Ohhhh, yes.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise...I _am_ widely known in nobility circles afterall. Not to mention, I am the Queen's guard dog. But you probably know all about that...

 **Chris:** Yes...yes I do

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** So you are familiar with the contract I presume? By the way, the teapot has been on the stove for a few min. Do I take it off now?

 **Chris:** No, I know how to Google information. Using Google is easy, almost as easy as making tea.

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Tch. Whatever. Let's get back to more important matters- shall we, Chris? I'm pouring out the tea now into the spare Royal Doulton cup.

 **Chris:** Congratulations!

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Yes, well, thank you. Here it comes now. The moment of truth. I'm taking a sip of the tea as per your instructions. Here it goes.

Oh...my...ack..

-coughs-

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** What the deuce did I do wrong this time? Why do I have these little flakes in my mouth? When Sebastian pours me my tea, _this never happens._ When he prepares it to me, it's always this divine stream of clear liquid that goes into my mouth…

Not this poor excuse of a tea.

 **Chris** : Sounds like he has a demonic touch when it comes to tea..

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Well, of course he does. He's MY butler afterall..one hell of a butler... (Don't tell him I said that)

What sort of a phantomhive butler would he be if he couldn't even prepare my tea right?

Okay, so back to the problem at hand, why are there pesky flakes in my tea, Chris?

 **Chris** : I don't know, you're just a crummy tea maker?

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : I will not be spoken to like that! I'll have you know I'm the Queen's guard dog! I am perfectly capable of making a simple cup of Earl if _someone would only give me proper instructions for it…_

Why are there blasted flakes in here? Are the Earl Grey teabags defective?

 **Chris:** No, your tea making abilities are defective.

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Tch. I will not be spoken to in such an insolent manner. Do you have any idea who I am? I am Ciel Phantomhive, son of VIncent and Rachel, head of the Phantomhive manor. Was I not supposed to cut up the teabags or something? What -is- this I'm drinking?

It's absolutely dreadful.

 **Chris:** I think you have a wicked imagination.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : Hm, a wicked imagination you say? Well, thank you for your kind words. I'm told that a lot-the wicked part, but honestly what to do with all these flakes in my mouth. When Sebastian gives it to me, there are no flakes in my mouth…it's just hot, clear _delicious_ liquid that goes in.

 **Chris** : I don't know, I don't drink flakey tea.

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** Nor do I. I do not think anyone wants to drink that sort of tea…

Honestly Chris. Do you know which step I messed up on when making the tea?I need to re-prepare it quickly before Sebastian comes back and I am completely humiliated by him. I need to show him I can do things on my own without his constant sheep herding.

GAH. I'll show Sebastian.

I know.

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** I just got a brilliant idea.

There are teaflakes in the tea-correct? Well, it's just so happens to I have a strange looking container in the kitchen. It appears to be some sort of bowl with holes in it.

I believe it's called _a sieve._

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : Anyway, if I take the sieve and pour the tea into it, then the tea flake particles would strain out. Do you follow me?

 **Chris** : Nah I don't follow you, nor do I want to

Anime sucks anyway. It's childish.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** I see. So you're one of... _those people_ then. Rather unfortunate to possess such a limited mindedness..

 **Chris** : Yup! Tha'ts me!

*That's

 **Ciel** : (gah, I just want my tea) *cuts chat*

 _30 minutes later…Sebastian returns to the manor..._

 **Sebastian:** (very annoyed) Hello there, I had a inquiry on some tea advice given to my young master.

 **Chris:** Hello, my name is Chris and I'll be your Happy Wellness Ambassador today! Please allow me one moment to review your question, and I'll be happy to help. :-)

 **Sebastian** : Hi, yes, were you the same person who spoke to my young master previously? I returned back from the manor to find him in a disorderly muddled up kitchen with broken tea cups and flakes strewn everywhere. He told me someone on this site imprudently advised him how to prepare tea and half-wittedly told to cut up the teabags and throw the contents of it, flakes and all, into the tea...

 **Sebastian** : I just wanted to drop a quick note for your future reference, Chris, that when preparing tea, one must dip the satchels in the steaming water for 2-3 minutes, stir well, and remove the satchel after the 3 minutes mark else the tannins in the bag will make the tea bitter if it sits too long.

Just per your basic tea making knowledge. That is all.

 **Chris:** No you stick the tea bags in your mouth and then pour water into your mouth and swish.

 **Sebastian:** That sounds rather ghastly. Perhaps that is how you drink your tea, Chris, but this is the proper way to do it-I assure you. You'll come out with a perfect steaming cup every time.

 **Chris** : Maybe, if you are an expert…

 **Sebastian:** -chuckles- Well, I don't mean to boast, but I am quite the tea connoisseur. Just wanted to let you know as it's quite an important basic tea-making essential to know. One wouldn't want to poorly inform hapless tea drinking customers...

 **Chris:** Ok, I will store that away for reference.

 **Sebastian:** Yes, very good then. I shall take my leave then.

 **Chris:** Did I mention that anime sucks…

 _Me: (Really…this guy…)_

 **Sebastian:** Ah, yes…my young master mentioned that to me previously. It is a bit of a pity, but I suppose it can't be helped. In any case, I need to take my leave. I only came here because of the tea thing, you see. It should be general knowledge that one should never place a teacup directly on a flaming stove nor cut the tea bags up. The cup will be ruined as well as the tea, no matter the brand or quality. Just per your common knowledge.

Or rather, common _sense._

Good day, Chris.

 **Sebastian** : -cuts chat and swiftly goes to prepare the young master _a proper cup of Earl Grey._

 _._

 **IMPORTANT:** Due to the guidelines on fanfic, I have moved this series to ArchiveOfOurOwn. Just click on the link posted on my main profile to resume reading this series from there. Thanks!


	9. His Master, At Victoria's Secret

_His Master, At Victoria's Secret_

Meghan: Thank you for choosing Victoria's Secret! Meghan has seen your question and will be with you shortly.  
 **Ciel:** Hi Meghan

Meghan: Hi Ciel! How can I help you today?

 **Ciel** : I had an inquiry about your store's name. I'm the Queen's guard dog, you see and I wanted to see if there was some secret she was keeping from me.

 **Ciel** : Is your store affiliated with Queen Victoria?

 **Ciel** : I don't like the Queen keeping secrets from me, especially since I am her Guard dog.

 **Ciel** : What is Victoria's secret?

Meghan: I am happy to assist you with any product, order or website questions you may have.

 **Ciel:** Excellent.

 **Ciel** : Thank you Miss Meghan.

Meghan: My pleasure! Thank you for choosing Victoria's Secret! Have a great day!

 **Ciel** : Hold on. You didn't answer my question.

 **Ciel:** Concerning your store's name,

 **Ciel** : It's quite important that I know. Why is it named Victoria's Secret?

Meghan: I am not able to release the secret I'm very sorry.

 **Ciel** : What? You can't tell me, the Queen's guard dog, the 'secret?'

Meghan: If there are no additional questions, have a great day!

 **Ciel** : Fine, I see how it is. I will find out the secret. I'll ask the Queen herself if you do not wish to tell me.

 **Ciel:** And if she plays dumb, I'll simply order my highly capable butler, Sebastian to investigate your company until he finds out what this secret is.

Meghan: If you need further assistance, please feel free to contact us back through Live Chat until 2AM Est. If you would like to speak with us via telephone, please call (800) 411-5116 and a Customer Care Specialist would be happy to assist you! Thank you for choosing Victoria's Secret! If there are no additional questions, have a great day!

Meghan This Live Chat session has ended

.

..

...

 **Important: Please check out my profile for the link to the rest of this prank series. Thanks!**

 **archiveofourown users/ ThatMysteryWriter/pseuds/ThatMysteryWriter**


	10. His Master, His Butler at 7CupsOfTea

MelodySky: Hello! I'm Melody! What brings you to me?

 **QueensGuardDog** : Hello there. My name is Ciel Phantomhive and I have a concern regarding my butler. He is agitating me as of late and I need to speak to someone about it. You see, my butler Sebastian is contracted by me to attest to my every need. And while it is great having someone around to wake me up every morning, make me earl grey tea, put on my pants, take care of any orders I may have, I sometimes can't help but feel like he _truly_ does not care for me, but only my soul- sort of like a meals on wheels type of thing. In any case, it infuriates me to think that he only serves me because of the payment I am to give him and not because he truly cares for me, Ciel Phantomhive.

Or…perhaps he does care...( _not that I care_ , of course) but he is good at concealing his real thoughts to himself. Any advice on how deal with this troubling dilemma?

MelodySky: Keep your chin up . I belive that he truly doees care for you in some way shape or form. He can't lie to you so maybe try asking him.

 **QueensGuardDog** : Ah, I see you're familiar with my story. This makes matters a whole lot easier. You see, Sebastian subtly ridicules me at any hint of 'weakness' or ' showing emotions'. That is the precise reason why I must maintain a pokerface at all times. I'm sure if I ordered him to tell me how he felt, I suppose he would have to as per our ...then I'd face his mockery and it would change the 'dynamics' between us completely.

 **QueensGuardDog:** Is there any way to get it out of him? I don't mind stooping to underhanded tactics to find out. (Out of curiosity of course -not that I really care)

MelodySky: I am honored to assist you my lord but unfortunately i am not sure. Maybe your other employees might have an idea. They are rather creative you know

 **QueensGuardDog** : Bah. The other servants in my employ are hopeless. One can't walk straight without tripping over herself, much less pouring a glass of wine, the other burns down the kitchen when asked to cook anything, and the straw hat has brute strength and destroys everything in sight that Sebastian must later clean up.

They are utterly incompetent to say the least, Miss Melody.

 **QueensGuardDog:** I did have...this one idea..though. A bit of a scheme...

MelodySky: Do tell do telll

 **QueensGuardDog** : Okay...well, you know all about Sebastian's possessiveness I'm sure. Since I'm trying to figure out if Sebastian truly cares for me or just my soul, and I can't simply come out and ask him out it, I was thinking of hiring a normal human butler -a good looking bishounen type- who is quite capable, one who genuinely likes me and likes serving me-and not interested in getting my delicious soul. Then I could make Sebastian jealous with him and that would show me that he cares for more than just getting my soul.

Are you familiar with the corset scene?

MelodySky: I am

 **QueensGuardDog** : Excellent, do you recall how I didn't cooperate that well when Sebastian tried to put it on me?

MelodySky: Oh why yes sir

 **QueensGuardDog:** (Not my finest moment, I will admit...) In any case. This time I will let the new human butler lace me up into a corset in front of Sebastian, but this time-I'll cooperate with him. Heh. I'd love to see the look on that demon's face then. Do you think that is a good indirect way to find out his true intentions?

MelodySky: It would be absolutely priceless my lord. I think this is a brilliant plan.

 **QueensGuardDog** : Thank you, I'm glad to see that you can see the brilliance in this scheme.

I have another small issue at the moment...it's about...tea...

MelodySky: Tea my lord? Whatever is the matter?

 **QueensGuardDog: Y** es...tea. Specifically, the Earl Grey type. You see, Sebastian is currently out on errands I sent him and I am alone at the manor once again. I tried to prepare some tea by myself. Hence, I filled a cup of water and put the teacup into the oven for a good 30 minutes. I took it out and it tastes repulsive.

Do you think the teabags are defective or perhaps I prepared it wrong?

MelodySky: Sir, it is my belief that you have prepared it wrong

 **QueensGuardDog** : I see. And which step have I done incorrectly?

MelodySky: You need to boil water in the tea pot with the tea bag in it first for a good few minutes.

 **QueensGuardDog:** Ah, I see. Interesting, I will try that new approach. I have resumed a new batch of water and have set the teapot in the oven. Should I put it to 75 F or 400 F?

MelodySky: no no my lord, it needs to cook on the stove

 **QueensGuardDog:** The...stove? What is this stove you speak off? Is it that thing with the four strange coils that is on top of the oven...?

MelodySky: that is exactly it

 **QueensGuardDog:** Ah, yes. Well, I am not completely hopeless as you can clearly see. I atleast know my way around the kitchen.

Ugh. Pesky knobs..Ehm. There. Done. _I think._

Now what do I do? Do I put the sugar in it now?

MelodySky: You play the waiting game my lord. until the water starts to bubble or until you think it is hot enough

QueensGuardDog: I see. Hmmm the more I consider this, the more I realize one little problem.

MelodySky: What is it my lord?

QueensGuardDog: How do I put this...the handles of the pot are getting quite...hot and my tiny fingers will surely get burned if I touch it. How do I get the contraption off the stove when it's done?

MelodySky: Use oven mitts or fold a dish towel

QueensGuardDog: I do not see either near me..hmm..can I use _any_ sort of waste fabric to substitute for the oven mitts?

MelodySky: Of course

QueensGuardDog:heh I see. In that case, I shall return shortly. I shall retrieve Sebastian's trousers that he left lying the floor of my bed last night and substitute them for oven mitts. Just a moment.

MelodySky: Take all the time you need my lord. ( o )

QueensGuardDog: Okay, I have Sebastian's black pants. I'm sticking my hands into his trousers.

As gloves.

Hmm..I must say it's rather..big. In any case, taking the pot off the stove now.

QueensGuardDog: Oh...no...

no no no..no no no...

Sebastian's going to mock me dearly for this...

MelodySky:What happened?

QueensGuardDog: My hands slipped from the fabric of his pants and half the tea spilled. Not to mention I knocked over a decanter of fresh cream.

His trousers are all wet and sticky now.

QueensGuardDog: What will I do? He'll be back anytime soon!

I _did_ manage to salvage half the tea though-small comfort.

MelodySky: You should have enough for one cup atleast.. throw his trousers in the wash

QueensGuardDog: Tch. I do not know how to do laundry, much less make a cup of tea as you can see. Better idea-how about I hide the trousers?

Or perhaps return them back to the foot of my bed so when he later returns for it, I'll just play dumb.

MelodySky: The second idea strikes my fancy

QueensGuardDog:I thought so. Good. So that's what I shall do. Now to take care of this tea matter... I'm pouring the tea into a Royal Doulton fine china cup.

MelodySky: Sounds exquisite

QueensGuardDog:indeed. Sebastian purchased it last week after Mey-rin broke the last set. Okay taking a sip of the tea now...

Oh...my...

MelodySky: i hope you didn't forget the sugar my lord

QueensGuardDog: Tch. I'm not that hopeless. I put three large scoops of it into the tea and now it tastes abhorrent.

It tastes like seawater.

MelodySky: Are you sure it wasn't salt you put into the tea my lord?

QueensGuardDog: ''...''

Ehm...I don't think so..hold on let me check the Morton Box.

Er...you were right.

It was salt.

MelodySky: you're gonna need to try again my lord

QueensGuardDog:Tch. I don't know if I have the time. Sebastian could be returning at any moment plus the entire kitchen is still in ramshackles. I should probably clean it before he comes back...you know, get rid of the evidence that any of this ever happened.

Heavens know how much he'll mock me for this one.

MelodySky: Tell him Lady Melody says to leave you alone

QueensGuardDog:But then he'll inquire as to who this Lady Melody is and I'm afraid he might find out that I asked you help on tea preparation. He'll never let me live it down I couldn't even prepare a measly cup of tea. It'll be like he has the upperhand over me.

But I refuse to let that happen. I exert dominance over him in _all matters..._

MelodySky: I'm an old that visited quickly outside while passing through. That is all he has to know

QueensGuardDog: Excellent. I will tell him just that. I will tell him an old woman was passing by and stopped by the manor for some rest and I offered Lady Melody some tea. Will that story do or do you think he'll see right through it? Sebastian usually can sense deceit 100 yards away.

MelodySky: i meant _old friend_. I'm actually quite young you know.

QueensGuardDog:Ah, yes of course. I just thought the story might be more better that way as Sebastian may indirectly accuse me of fooling around under Lady Elizabeth's nose with another young Lady. He did that once...before in the circus...

Nevermind, I will do just that as tell you are an old friend of Lady Elizabeth's who stopped by during her travel.

MelodySky: Why yes that i great. Tell him that i told him to leave you alone

QueensGuardDog: Will do. Okay I shall go with your story-we're in this together now Lady Melody. Us conspiring against Sebastian. Let us see what comes of it.

Oh no, here he comes! He's at the door!

*$&*#$ I have to go clean up the kitchen quickly!

Okay. I just cleaned the tea off the stove. Sebastian just entered inside.

QueensGuardDog:I'm staring into the screen with a blank, sour face-like I normally look. The key is to just act natural.

He asked me what I was up to while he was gone shopping for the groceries

I just told him the story that Lady Melody stopped by and I offered her some tea. Sebastian seems quite impressed. Heh.

MelodySky: Ooh i am glad!

QueensGuardDog: Yes, he's in the kitchen quarters right now. Putting away the items. He said: "You made tea on your own, young master? How nice to see you self-sufficient for once." Of course, his voice was laced with sarcasm….whatever. I will take it as a feather in my cap.

QueensGuardDog: Uh oh...why is he standing in the doorway...why is he smirking at me knowingly..Oh no. Shoot, he found out somehow. Ack, what do I do Lady Melody, I have my usual 'I don't care' face on but it doesn't seem to be working. _He's on to us._

MelodySky: I am here my lord. i will take the blame if need be

QueensGuardDog: Ah, thank you. That is kind of you to offer yourself as one of my pawns.

MelodySky: no NEED

QueensGuardDog: He is smiling condescendingly at me, asking me who I am typing to so furiously. What do I say?!

He's slowly coming closer. No no no..

MelodySky: Let me talk to him!

QueensGuardDog: Should I threaten to order? Should I order him to wear a corset so that he'll know his place?

MelodySky: Yes. Do that my lord

QueensGuardDog: Very. I will. I'll show hi

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MelodySky: SEBASTIAN STOP

QueensGuardDog: -chuckles- Is that an order?

MelodySky: No because i can't order you around but i can certainly try and tell you something

QueensGuardDog: I suppose I haven't properly introduced myself, but I'm sure you already know this is Sebastian here, the young lord's butler. I am taking away his internet privileges until he learns to behave properly and on his behalf, apologize if he has bothered you. I have anticipated the young master's questionable order before he gave it fully and slapped my hand on his lips. He's currently bound and squirming in my arms as I'm typing this. I have a read a few of these messages and am quite surprised at this information regarding the young master, especially the beginning. Please disregard his tantrums as he is a bit of an unruly brat child.I assure you not to be alarmed of the trousers. I was simply taking a stack of his laundry into his room and somehow,my trousers were mixed up in his batch of clothes so he threw it on the floor in his usual angst. As for me punishing him, _there will indeed be some punishment in store for him tonight._

I'm taking away his chess set and darts until he learns how to behave like how nobility accept my humble apologies on the young lord's behalf if he has bothered you.

MelodySky: He has not bothered me at all Sebastian. Quite the opposite. I rather enjoyed my chat with him. Trying to teach him to make tea was great. There's no need to punish him for this

QueensGuardDog: Hmm. Are you sure? Sometimes the young lord needs a little punishment to set him straight. Are you sure, Lady Melody? I could always fit him into a corset if you'd like.

MelodySky: I am quite positive! Now let him go

QueensGuardDog: _Sighs._ Very well.

*drops him*

MelodySky: *puts a hand on forehead and sighs* Good. Thank you.

QueensGuardDog: The child is screaming his ear off. Being a butler is tiresome.

He is having a tantrum as I just referred to him as a child. But he is-bluntly speaking.

QueensGuardDog: Hellothis is Ciel here and hktdtstopphj

QueensGuardDog: Now, now young master, it is rude to grab.

MelodySky: sigh* oh dear. You two are an interesting pair

QueensGuardDog: Yes, an One True Pairing as some refer to us as.

QueensGuardDog: Sebastian!, we are NOT an OTP ajshjd

QueensGuardDog: Young master, I do think that we are in fact an item among the fangirls. Or fan-grells as some refer to _– shudders_ -

MelodySky: Jeez sebastian, explain me this. Ciel is supposed to be the master and you his butler... However, the roles here seem to have been switched.

QueensGuardDog: -chuckles- he might be the master, but that is only because I taught him how to _beg_ by giving me orders.

QueensGuardDog:Ciel here, I ordered Sebastian away from the computer so I could speak with you properly.

I, Ciel Phantomhive, son of Vincent, head of the Phantomhive manor, do NOT beg. I just want to make that clear. Tch. The Queen's guard begging? Utterly absurd. I am the dominant one in this relationship. Sebastian is below me -in all respects-

Wonderful. Now he's laughing uncontrollably. Tch.

MelodySky: Shut up Sebastian

QueensGuardDog: Ah, a feisty lady? -smirks- Do excuse me. It's just the young master just spoke an innuendo that couldn't be more untrue. I assure you it is -quite- the opposite.

The exact opposite, in fact.

 _Sighs._ Just a moment The br-I mean young master is here.

QueensGuardDog: It is NOT the opposite. I'm on top, he's on below!

He's laughing at me again! How dare he mock me.

MelodySky: Ciel, you do realize how sexual that sounds?

QueensGuardDog: W-what are you talking about? He's my butler, my servant. Of course, he's on the below in terms of hierarchy. What else could you possibly have in mind? Sebastian's snickering-let us choose to ignore him.

MelodySky: As you wish my lord!

QueensGuardDog: Tch. I'm not sure how I feel about your tone. Did I say...something wrong?

Sigh…Sebastian inquires me to ask you if you are a fangirl. And who your OTP is from our saga.

MelodySky: i wouldn't consider myself a fangirl but definitely in love with your show. An OTP hm... I'm not sure actually. (Fangirls are crazy)

QueensGuardDog: Sebastian here. The reason I ask is because a lot of young ladies seem to enjoy pairing me and...the young lord together. I simply cannot understand why. Of course, I bathe him, rinse later him, shampoo his unruly hair, I dress and undress him, on occasions putting on a corset, I attend to his...every need. Could this be a reason why people pair us together?

MelodySky: That is exactly why

QueensGuardDog: And of course, I won't deny that the young master's soul isintoxicating...succulent..divine... but still...pairing us together is a bit much.

The young master is blushing. How adorable. I'm flattered, my lord.

He told me to shut up.

Well, how do we get said fangirls to stop thinking of the young master and I in that way?

MelodySky: um you can't

QueensGuardDog: We...can't? Oh dear.

MelodySky: They will forever think this way, the more you tell them not to, the more they do it.

QueensGuardDog: But I haven't even done anything to the young master…yet, unlike the nun and beast. (Of course, that was purely for investigative purposes) Surely, they cannot think of us in that manner if I do not engage in sorts of activities with the young lord?

-engage in the yaoi, to be more specific...

MelodySky: People have imaginations. They use it.

QueensGuardDog: Sorry, I just ordered Sebastian to go to his room. Don't pay any mind to his useless ramblings.

Wait, what did Sebastian mean by ''the yaoi' ?I've never heard that term before...

Well, I heard undertaker mention it once before... But Sebastian refused him to tell me.

MelodySky: It means male on male action.

QueensGuardDog: Male...on male action? As in...two males that have a close relationship?

That sounds just like me and Sebastian.

So we are yaoi then I presume?

MelodySky: Um no, not quite. Goes further than that

QueensGuardDog: So we're not yaoi? Does that mean our bond is weak then? Tch.

So if we have a closer master-butler bond, we will be the yaoi correct?

MelodySky: The relationship between you two would have to be…sexual to be yaoi.

QueensGuardDog: Let me get this straight. So if Sebastian undresses me and enjoys iteven the slightest _(because let's be honest,_ he probably does) it still wouldn't yaoi right? And if Sebastian's image showed up on the phantom camera when he clicked my picture, and my image in his, that wouldn't be considered yaoi either-correct?

MelodySky: That's.. almost yaoi... fans will take it as such.

QueensGuardDog: Almost...yaoi...Oh..my gawd.

That's terrible. We are not that way. Or even remotely like that. Or...are we.. _No Ciel, no ciel. Don't even go there._

MelodySky: it's alright. Don't worry about it my lord.. ^^;

QueensGuardDog: Thank goodness, you understand Lady Melody. Uh...Sebastian is up the stairs...coming down..he doesn't look to pleased...why? OH.

Lady Melody...

he found it...it's...it's in his hand...

MelodySky: Oh god.. oh no...

QueensGuardDog: Quick think of an excuse. Or be my pawn! The choice is yours, but hurry!

MelodySky: I am your pawn!

QueensGuardDog: Excellent, lie if you have to..deceive him..swindle that demon butler hecomingagain ohni Sebrfhr-

QueensGuardDog: Lady Melody, I do not mean to be coarse, but...do you happen to know why my trouser that I picked up from the young lord's bedis...wet...and sticky with stains. I realize how wrong that sounds, but I usually speak to the young master in double meaning so pay no mind to that.

What has he done to my clothes? Sighs. That is the 3rd one he's stained in a single month. The last one was stained with cream.

MelodySky: That one was actually my fault

QueensGuardDog: Oh was it? If the young lord put you up to this, you can tell me the truth, Lady Melody.

MelodySky: Um you see, i quickly stopped by on my way through and i attempted to make some tea after the young Lord accidentally put salt in his tea instead of sugar. I sorta just grabbed your trousers quickly to grab the tea pot, it slipped and spilled. I am terribly sorry. in panic i threw it back where it was and left.

QueensGuardDog: That is quite a story...however, I clearly remember I removed my stained trousers in the Earl's bedroom yesterday night and it hadn't left that room. How did they magically come downstairs I wonder.

The young lord is squirming. How adorable.

MelodySky: Don't do anything to him

QueensGuardDog:-chuckles-I won't

MelodySky: That sounds quite promising

QueensGuardDog: Well, I am a demon. I do not lie...to my master.

But to others...it's a bit different..

The young lord is in store for some punishment tonight.

MelodySky: O_o Are you serious Sebastian? There's no need for that

QueensGuardDog: Then what exactly happened to my bottom suit?

MelodySky: Exactly what i said.

QueensGuardDog: chuckles- I commend you on being so loyal and sacrificing yourself to being the young master's pawn. The only flaw with that...the young master's room is locked at all times when he is not in the room. Therefore, it is quite clear that the young master was making some tea, pathetically spilled it every due to his incapability and unlocked the room to get my trousers out. I suppose he intended to have some fun at my expensive. Sighs. Such a child.

MelodySky: Hey! you gotta hive him props for actually trying you know?

QueensGuardDog: I do suppose you're right. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised at his failure. Afterall the child can barely put on his own eyepatch.

Or undergarments for that matter...

QueensGuardDog: In any case, could I ask you something Lady Melody?

MelodySky: Sure!

QueensGuardDog: I have bribed the young master to leave the room with some scones. So it is just us...Hmm how do I phrase this delicately.

I believe the young master had inquired to you about whether I truly care for him or...just his soul.

MelodySky: That he did

QueensGuardDog: I'd like to make it clear, I desire the young master in his entirety and...perhaps..ah..excuse me. The young master calls so I cannot stay too long.

If the young lord request to speak with you in the future, please do not make any mention of this to him.

MelodySky: I promise that i won't. i really do hope i get to speak with you two again in the future. :D

QueensGuardDog:Yes, as do we. Do have a splendid evening, Lady Melody. We shall speak more later.

.

..

...


	11. His Master, At ModCloth

Steph 4:28 pm Hello Ciel Phantomhive. How may I help you?

 **Ciel Phantomhive** Hello, there. I wanted to inquire if you carry long white wrinkle free dress shirts (sleeping attire) for men.

Steph Thank you for chatting in Ciel, My name is Steph. I'd be happy to take a look at this for you!

 **Ciel Phantomhive** Thank you, Steph I am much obliged.

StephI'm sorry but I do not believe we sell men's sleepwear at this time. We mainly carry vintage inspired apparel for women as well as some home decor items.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** Do you carry any white blouse-like shirts in that case? It does not have to be sleep wear per-say. I can always make it work as such.

Steph Here's a link to some of the white blouses we carry - .…or=white,cream&sort=newest

 **Ciel Phantomhive** You see, I've tried everywhere for white dress shirts for men, but unfortunately, they do not carry sizes for 13 yr old boys. I'm hoping your shoppe may carry my petite size.

Taking a look at your link now.

StephOkay!

 **Ciel Phantomhive** I think the white flow top one may suit my purposes. I am unsure of what size to choose though.

I've never worn women's clothing before - save for one time. (-shudders-)

Steph Do you know your measurements?

C **iel Phantomhive** Yes, I think so. I am 5 ft with shoes on, so slightly below that without said shoes. And 43 kgs. Quite slender waisted as well,

Steph Do you know your bust, waist, and hip measurements? We can give the most accurate sizing advice with measurements.

 **Ciel Phantomhiv** e Erm, like 27 inches I think for the waist. My er- hip is about six inches smaller than my butler's -about 3 on each side. So probably 29 in ish..

Is b-bust...size synonymous with chest size?

Steph The bust measurement would be the bust measurement around the fullest part of the bust. If you know your bra size, I can work with that as well.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** (flusters). ..I ...am a...boy...

boy..man.

I don't wear...bras, though corsets -on occasion. I think my size may be extra small. Or small. I suppose I could always consult my local seamstress, Nina Hopkins, for a slight alternations. She's a dab with women's fashion and regularly, tailors clothes for my various needs.

Steph From the measurements you provided, it looks like you might need a large but from your height and build I think a XS or S would work.

 **Ciel Phantomhive:** A -large-? Maybe I should cut down on all those scones...My butler might be trying to fatten me up a bit unbeknownst my knowledge -he wants to eat me, you see.

Steph On our size chart, it is. id you take your measurements following these guidelines? .…-form-details#determining-sizeSize & Fit Guide | Cute & Vintage Clothes | ModClothFind your fit at ModCloth! From cute dresses to vintage-inspired blouses, use our hand size & fit guide to decide what size would be perfect for you.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** Oh. I had taken my measurement with my weston coat and tweed boy shorts on. They may have contributed to an erroneous size.

Steph If you're able to retake your measurements following those guidelines we can better determine where you fall on the size chart.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** Would I have to wear nothing and then proceed with the measurements?

Steph The best measurements would not be taken while your coat and shorts are on.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** I see, so I was right then. In that case, I shall have my butler take my waist, hips, bust, and other measurements tonight. Speaking of my butler. It is his birthday coming up, and I'd like to gift him something. Do you have any suggestions?

Steph Here's a link to our home and gift selection - shop/home-gifts There's a lot to pick from there!Home & Gifts | Mod Retro Vintage Clothing & Indie Clothes | ModCloth

 **Ciel Phantomhive** Hmm yes. I see. By the way, I see a cat in your ModCloth display image. Are you fond are cats?

Steph Do have any other ModCloth related questions?

 **Ciel Phantomhive** ''...'' Well, actually this relates to my shopping itinerary. I abhor cats you see, but my butler has an unhealthy fanatic obsession with felines. Do you have any gifts he might like..of that nature?..

Not a real cat, mind you -I'm allergic to them.

Steph Here's a link to some cat themed items we carry - shop/search?keyword=catMod Retro Vintage Clothing & Indie Clothes | ModCloth

Excellent, I shall take a look.

Steph Glad I could help!

 **Ciel Phantomhive** I think he'd quite like the cat serving tea cup set and measuring cups. Oh, that reminds me. Do you carry black stilleto boots?

They're for, not me.

Steph Here's a link to the black shoes we carry - .…t#?color=black&sort=newest

 **Ciel Phantomhive** What's the largest size you carry?

They're for my butler, you see. The sleek black go- go boots on the page seem the most apropos for him.

Steph A woman's size 12 is the largest size we carry.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** Oh. My butler's size is quite large. I fear the size might be quite small for his length, but I suppose he'll simply have to shoulder the pain when I force him into it. Heh.

You have made a small vicious earl quite happy, Stephanie.

I thank you.

Steph You're welcome! Is there anything else I can help you with today?

 **Ciel Phantomhive** Mmm...well I'd ask you how to prepare a cup of Earl Grey tea, but I think that may perhaps be a tad beyond your vicinity.

Steph Is there anything else ModCloth related I can help you with?

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : Yes. I almost forgot.

Eyepatches.

I am in need of a spare. Do you carry them? My fiancee gave me some horrid pink ones that I rather despise.

Steph Sadly, we do not carry eye patches at this time.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** Well, in case, do you know where I can find them?

Steph Sadly, I'm not sure. I'm suggesting googling to find a retailer.

 **Ciel Phantomhive** : Does Calvin Klein have them you think?

Steph You would have to check with Calvin Klein.

Thanks for chatting in. Have an awesome day!

 **Ciel Phantomhive** Yes, I think I shall. Good day, Stephanie.


End file.
